I can admit that this time of year for me has been a period of high anxiety and living life on a knife edge for many years.
It's a hard time for greif with loosing so many people this time of year aswell as being the 1st one without Shaun. For the kids it will be a fantastic time for them with trips to longleat, seeing Santa's reindeer, special treats and being spoilt rotten. However, all this comes with a guilt that all of this is happening because Shaun isn't here. Speaking with my councillor on Tuesday, I can fully appreciate that I have a lot going in ha! But what is harder to come go terms with with is the PTSD side of things. My body will remember how I felt on these days and although in the present day I am not in that situation or under any threat my body will believe I am and therefore will experience all the emotions and physicall symptoms I felt on that day even though I could be sat watching Tele! And that really sucks!
Now I can recognise that I have come so far from where I was a few weeks ago and I am alot more in control of my anxiety and more rational in the way I think but at times it so hard to be constantly fighting a battle in your mind against your own body. This is without battling with the kids and normal life!
The good news is I will get there! I'm currently having councilling sessions at my local doctors and I have just started a corse of CBT with talking therapies in town. So I know these feeling are only temporary and I will get through it but going through it sucks major arse! Over these past few weeks it's really come to attention that I am missing that someone special. Someone to vent to, or just have a hug from. Someone who wants to know how your day is going and if you are ok. No offence to my amazing friends of corse! But it's not the same. So I'm having to be there for myself minus the hugs as that's just impossible ( little people are ok at that!) So for now I will be my own cheerleader, councillor, caregiver and support and no matter how rough things seem at times I know I will get through it and come out like the Alpha wolf I am.
To those of you who are struggling at the moment..... I promise things will get better. If you don't think they will please reach out to someone, a friend, doctor, help line or me! You are amazing and you can achieve anything. There will be more bad days ahead but there will be so many more good days! Its ok if you don't want to talk or meet up with friends. I've found these past few months I've taken a step back from seeing people and being in constant communication with people to allow myself the time I need to refocusmy attention on what I needed and how I was feeling. There's nothing wrong with saying No to certain things if it means you can get a more clarity or peace. Sometimes we just need to be silent to hear what the heart needs.
All my love
SJ x